Ramblings about Pain on a Toilet Seat

Today I thought I would try something different… a different ‘creative’ environment if you must.

I’m in the toilet with my laptop on a stool (oh my, pun NOT intended) as I listen to Tinashe Makura’s ‘Love and Laughter’.
As comic as my position may seem; I’m not laughing. I have the worst case of food poisoning which sends me to the bathroom more often in an hour than I’d like to count.

 So, in light of the liquid condition of the contents of my guts (Euww that’s really crude Steph!)… I’ve made myself rather comfortable in the loo...

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Pain…at most it’s an indescribable gnawing nuisance. When my mum asks “ko chii ko nhai Hamu?” for the life of me I want to explain. To tell her I’m paralysed with pain. That I don’t want to move because sometimes I think the little bitch (pain and definitely NOT my mum) waits until there a sanctimonious nano-moment of relief and like a heartless ninja her dagger strikes again.
 I forget she’s been at this life game a whole lot longer than I have (My mum this time)... I forget that though I can only signal my feelings she not only feels it with me then…she’s felt it countless times before.
But it’s not easy is it?
To know that you are not the only victim of life…to know that  you have no excuse …that you can’t play the helpless damsel of distress because many have come before you felt this and even greater excruciations; overcome them and didn’t have the time to be arsed long enough to even to tell the tale. And I sit here on a toilet seat … thinking “hey it could be worse” and how comfortable it is in here.
 It’s a funny little thing this big thing named life. #TSKC

Stand

What is it about me you adore?

Is it too significant to ignore?

I don’t carry myself lightly,

Even if people and surrounding things try smite me into oblivion,

Yet still I carry on.

Tormented loneliness in my soul,

No, that’s not a window in my eye it’s a gaping hole.

 

Once I lost control,

All for love,

Its loss and echoing emptiness,

I ‘AM’ OUT OF CONTROL!

My emotions are on a roll,

Doing the pantsula, kicking dust in the air,

I breathe in contempt, NO! I am NOT content,

With the best of it,

I guess it’s the rest of me I should be worried about.

 

Once again I’m out and about, wondering,

Where is she?

Where is the one and only,

Whose body is as holy as a temple?

Let’s get rid of this phony,

‘Cause right now I can’t tell…

Is she here with me?

Buried deep under a lot more of me?

I think I met her once her name was Stephanie.

We’d skip gleefully through the dark corridors of life,

Hand in hand,

‘Thicker’ than thieves.

I told her “you have my heart” and she cut off her sleeves.

Dammit! Have you seen  her?

‘Cause it’ll be like bringing in the sheaves when we are finally together.

 

When she comes around,

If…

I’m still hopeful,

Shit! I’m living on a prayer so…

When she comes around,

Crown her…

If your wallet is under

Do it on a budget

Bow down but don’t lie…

Just let her, even for a minute …Stand

Just…let her do it,

For this moment…

 Let her Stand.

 

 

 

 

Rush

In this life.. I’ve gone through things…

Some grotesque some surreal …

Like an endless movie reel

Life is persistent

 Rolling credits even when they aren’t due.

 It’s just like me and you …

You brought out feelings I couldn’t subdue..

Feelings got sticky and messy like misused glue turned into goo

 Those are my legs turning into jelly

 Just brush past me one last …time

I promise my palms won’t get too sweaty

I’ll seize to be petty about how I am like putty in your hands

 About the ‘who’s- who’s’ and us… if it’s there

 Let ‘us’ rush

 Time waits for no man or woman so I feel even less empowered

Just rush

Let our emotions crash as we ride on that hot wave

Stirred deeper than lust…

We know each other

But we’re out of time …

That is why we must rush..

Do not tarry any longer

We must have each other ravenously…just rush..

Rush towards us

Rush for me.

#TSKC

Closure

I start with a smile, I wear it,

Not sure why though

It stands there in full pride teeth gleaming, eyes mischievous.

 The very fact that I have imagined it proves that I am both slightly delirious and definitely hilarious…

Mostly to myself

Alas the audience is my own…

The shadow that has grown with me reasons…

Telling me stories of thoughts and fissures in my reality.

 What SHOULD be?

How my emotions in the widened oceans of known speculations

SHOULD be

Anger, maliciousness, even hatred

All these leave a putrid scent in the air

I dare not take it in…

Deep inhalations of Mary J’s finest

Call it uncensored courage for the hours of confrontation

They lie ahead

Sleeplessness

There is no rest for the wicked

 Paces quickened to a place of light…

Arms shifting, bodies speaking subliminally in our opposites

We fought war not with each other but ourselves  

I took a ride…by choice this time I ran in the darkness towards the stories I needed him to tell

Closure

A potion I drank to my fill…

I never want to crave his again

He took me for a ride…

One, two, three were pleasurable the rest were plain miserable so…

 I NEEDED his closure...NO I needed his to be mine

Damn it!

I needed it

I had it

He gave it to me

Closure

Wounds wide open, dirt he threw…

One day it would be infectious, THIS he knew

Another day at the office I assumed

Thanks to his Closure

That night I knew…

That for certain

 I was right

But we were not!

Try as we might

Pigs and unicorns would sooner take flight on the strongest of wishes

But

NOTHING could keep US afloat

Unless passion and ripped clothing sufficed as sole relational currency

His loss seeing as I’m strung on celibacy and it would never be enough for me so I Closed in on the Closure he gave to me

A multitude of give and take was that night

My gratitude is immense

It was the best he could he could give in replacement

The clearest rhapsody of reality that sat across from me

  CLOSURE.  

Listen To Closure HERE