Ramblings about Pain on a Toilet Seat

Today I thought I would try something different… a different ‘creative’ environment if you must.

I’m in the toilet with my laptop on a stool (oh my, pun NOT intended) as I listen to Tinashe Makura’s ‘Love and Laughter’.
As comic as my position may seem; I’m not laughing. I have the worst case of food poisoning which sends me to the bathroom more often in an hour than I’d like to count.

 So, in light of the liquid condition of the contents of my guts (Euww that’s really crude Steph!)… I’ve made myself rather comfortable in the loo...

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Pain…at most it’s an indescribable gnawing nuisance. When my mum asks “ko chii ko nhai Hamu?” for the life of me I want to explain. To tell her I’m paralysed with pain. That I don’t want to move because sometimes I think the little bitch (pain and definitely NOT my mum) waits until there a sanctimonious nano-moment of relief and like a heartless ninja her dagger strikes again.
 I forget she’s been at this life game a whole lot longer than I have (My mum this time)... I forget that though I can only signal my feelings she not only feels it with me then…she’s felt it countless times before.
But it’s not easy is it?
To know that you are not the only victim of life…to know that  you have no excuse …that you can’t play the helpless damsel of distress because many have come before you felt this and even greater excruciations; overcome them and didn’t have the time to be arsed long enough to even to tell the tale. And I sit here on a toilet seat … thinking “hey it could be worse” and how comfortable it is in here.
 It’s a funny little thing this big thing named life. #TSKC

Purple

I think about you, more often than I should really!

As my thoughts saunter between the lines that define that shirt you wear so well…

Purple rain I wish we could dance in

Purple lies as we ride into a lavender peppered sunset

A finish fit for royalty

That sly side smile when I thought I knew you’d walk a mile just to please me

But you waited, No, No, not in a good way

I stayed hopeful that you would, that you still might

But trying as it may have been all we did was fight

A battle of faith, your actions versus the unseen intentions of your heart

Even though we stand apart I hear ‘its’ call,

It whispers, “stay with me Stephanie, won’t you stay?”

It groans, “Fill me, I’m empty”

I say drink me to your fill

Get drunk and giggly, joyful and stupid

My love flows closely to eternity its river far from dry will it be

Dregs have been sustained by endless memoirs of moments

Morsels of moments spent so passionate, beyond tender.

My soul’s intent is fodder to your last steps

‘It’ murmurs hungrily “I love you”

#TSKC

Right Above It

I’m low

Like I’ve never been before

Like I’ve been given a low blow to the soul

I’m low

Lower than grass roots level

I’m by the water table

Feet in the water, but my throat is in the vocal desert

Empty

Only cries ‘cause I’m headed towards my demise

Tears of salt mingle with the freshest source

Soul soothers stuck at my feet, I might just retreat

Failure to conform

No, failure to fathom

The concoction of present with my saltier past

It won’t settle, it won’t mix

It’s just as Oil and water

It’s right above it

Black and slick blocking my source

My only source of living

The very air and moisture I later perspire

It right above me, I’m right above it

Even though I’m low.

 #TSKC

Things that I wish I could say…

I look at the past and yearn for the present...thoughts of the past consume me. It’s not that I wish that it could be, once again it’s more like an imprint of you, interconnections laughs, smiles and pet names. Future plans of babies and migrations…Certainty of you, me, and us in one vicinity. I once thought that you were into me…so deep…deep enough to drown and resuscitate yourself but alas we were a sinking ship, doomed from the get go, the feelings lost flow when you let go of the us and let parts of you be with someone new. So where does that leave me? Licking my wounds, licking my fingers for comfort, flicking over any stray in my fortress. Walls, made high, strong,  a whole new moral high-ground made standard. Once … I was stranded but Ndabho… flashback memories fill the blanks as I get blinded by the light of my photographic memory, one day you’ll only be the past of me, my behind as I recollect minus the regret of the meetings and fleetingness of what was then a romance. You now know my thoughts and recollections One day I will forget your very impression...on me, I will forget what could have been. Only then I shall cease to care.

Let it Go!

There’s something nostalgic about meeting someone from your past, it could be an ex-lover, friend now turned enemy/ stranger, (Some Gotye anyone?) or simply a childhood neighbour you knew before you could barely count to ten. Something about that past and present fusion or how dislodged your lives become because of the time apart. Progress, regression, lightning speed and snail like paces. Changes and then like a cruel joke similarilities in experiences of previous, love, loss, slow healing and failure. And yet with a good friend even with as much as 16years of time apart almost half my life (just kidding, I’m not that old…honest!) I met him. My childhood crush, it’s ridiculous to blush at this right but I guess I’m blushing more at the very thought of him reading this (what have I done?).

The past is just alluring, well at least if it’s the good kind, an ex boyfriend perhaps, loose ends and a wedding on the way. (how this is a good thing I’m not quite sure yet)

We have a tendency to hold onto things we know we should be letting go off; a bad habit, an old flame, past mistakes, a grudge. We ball our fists grabbing tight onto things that could have been. What ifs and maybe ‘babies’. What we should be doing instead is something more noble and movie-like, lighting a Chinese lamp or something, letting the ‘then’ of your time be just that; light and feathery instead of heavy and haunting.

Let go of that nonsense that has you second guessing your future ability to conquer, succeed or learn from your past (which is what experience is for). Let that shit go honey, its dead weight and only makes you feel awful, where’s the fun in that?  How? Just stop! Stop obsessing on what could have been, whether you fell off a lucrative career path 10YEARS ago, or were a size 8 and now a 20, deal with your CURRENT. Just when you’re about to think in reverse again, ask yourself this, “Is there anything I can do to change or adjust it RIGHT NOW?” if your answer is ever ‘No’, then in the words of Alexandra Burke it’s time to LET IT GO Go GO, let it ALL GO!!