Are your Resolutions S.M.A.R.T?

I'd Buy the Basket!

It’s that time of the year, when it seizes to exist, the year that is. Not necessarily life but I guess it does to a certain extent; okay okay, this is what I am trying to say. (Deep breath)The year has come to end and a whole lot is coming into play, evaluations of the accomplishments of 2012, successes, victories, acquisitions, failures, heartbreaks, losses; the list goes on and on as I’m sure you know.

''New Years Resolutions are stupid!''

As you do your stock taking, balancing your books for 2012 and a lot doesn’t seem to add up; pour yourself a whiskey, it gets better as time goes on. ‘Rome wasn’t built in day’. By all means, DO NOT hurl yourself off the highest bridge or building because you feel as though you ‘failed’. Sure you probably have failed, but remember experience through failure is both the best penance and teacher for things we can ultimately do BETTER! (that’s my quote hands off!)

Maybe I feel that way because I have always thought New Year’s Resolutions are stupid!!  

Things that I wish I could say…

I look at the past and yearn for the present...thoughts of the past consume me. It’s not that I wish that it could be, once again it’s more like an imprint of you, interconnections laughs, smiles and pet names. Future plans of babies and migrations…Certainty of you, me, and us in one vicinity. I once thought that you were into me…so deep…deep enough to drown and resuscitate yourself but alas we were a sinking ship, doomed from the get go, the feelings lost flow when you let go of the us and let parts of you be with someone new. So where does that leave me? Licking my wounds, licking my fingers for comfort, flicking over any stray in my fortress. Walls, made high, strong,  a whole new moral high-ground made standard. Once … I was stranded but Ndabho… flashback memories fill the blanks as I get blinded by the light of my photographic memory, one day you’ll only be the past of me, my behind as I recollect minus the regret of the meetings and fleetingness of what was then a romance. You now know my thoughts and recollections One day I will forget your very impression...on me, I will forget what could have been. Only then I shall cease to care.

Carl Joshua Ncube…Agent 263

Tequila? Lemons? A bad  smell in the air??

I’m hoping you stumbled on my comments first but if you didn’t I was going on about how I didn’t know what to expect for the show, blah blah blah!!!

The Agent 263 themed stand-up comedy show was charmingly, okay nope it was comically dated for the 21^st of December; which was supposedly the day scheduled for ‘the end of WORLD!’ since you’re reading this and I’m writing it, it would seem ‘the end’ has skipped us. Back to the Comedy show!

For the most part I enjoyed the show, it was a refreshing take on everything randomly Zimbabwean from, children’s shows I am clearly too young to remember; to a slight dabble with current affairs. Even more it was funny witty entertaining and for the most bits unpredictable.

The crowd was surprisingly supportive, clearly mostly friends of friends and acquaintances that appreciate Carl’s work. Of cause until the more political jokes kicked in. In his act Carl presented his distaste for, urban groover, sex tape maker, etc. Stunner (this too is publicity for him…sigh); referring to his relevance similar to that of a household name, well tissue to be exact. (seconded!)Stunner was not the only marshmallow at the fire Pokello (what kind of name is that?), Maneta, the Prime Minister,the President, Beverly the stripper, Econet and even Mai Chisamba weren’t spared in the hilarity!

If i tilt your camera this way I can see a better view of your boobs!

‘Carl Joshua Ncube Live’ was quite the variety show indeed; I got to see what Junior Brown looked like (not that it mattered it’s just I always wondered). I bore witness to the premier of TehnDiamond’s and the said Brown’s ‘Happy’ / ‘Heppi’ video which was not bad at all my favourite bit was with chicks in the morbid smiley bikinis (HOT!).

Synik performed as well but to the disappointment of probably him and his diehard fans large parts of the audience walked out before he could finish his first ‘bar’. I presume it was nothing personal and more traffic, curfew related; regardless the guy definitely a pat on the back after that.(Shame man!)

Short dresses, familiar faces and great laughs in tow, I enjoyed the show and definitely hand it a 7.5 out of 10 only because I know it can only get better and when it does guess who’ll be in the front row on time, laughing the loudest? Yup that’s right! Me!

If you have been to a Carl Joshua Ncube stand-up performance feel free to share your thoughts..’go down’ below in the comment box and SHOUT!

CARL JOSHUA NCUBE Live 21 Dec 2012: Death by laughter

So I’m at the HICC at the moment prepping myself for the idea of what a Carl Joshua Ncube, Secret Agent themed  Standup Comedy show will be  like *Deep gasp like breath* that’s a mouthful ! but I’m still anxious sounds like a mixed bag.. Best part? I’ll keep you guys updated, in the know … the WHOLE time…

Every woman is Beautiful

Hello there thought to shed some positivity and acceptance in the wee hours of the morning. with all the misleading and unrealistic ideals of what a woman should be, yet alone look like; acceptance of ourselves becomes harder and harder, confidence wanes and beauty becomes to beg a new meaning. we all have dragon dayS when we wish we were a little bit taller, hate who we are, want to throw something heavy at the screen when a video vixen-ish woman pops up or have friends that can pig out to their hearts delight minus the weight gain or for some reason beyond you have ridiculously banging bods that are completely proportionate!!! (I digress!)

I haven't met you, but you should know that what ever shape, height or angle or shape up there that your body is at but... YOU are Beautiful and only YOU can confirm it as you live beneath your skin through your heart, compassion and everyday action. Yes great personalities still count ;)

Someone Had To Say It…

Hi there, it is I again and I have some ranting to do, so here I go.

I have tried long and hard to ignore the mass media’s responses and the mockery Pentecostal churches in Harare (and Zimbabwe in general) have received in the past year (probably more).

From twitter parodies to blogger sarcasm, people are talking, they are talking a lot, hell they cannot stop talking! Given the ‘theme’ these ‘organizations’ have been running with one would think the attention is any promoter’s wet dream, well it is. Never has there been a time in the history of Zimbabwe’s’ everything, has there been such a bright and scalding spotlight on Religion that is Christianity and in that I mostly refer to the Pentecostals. Well one could not possibly forget how popular the nature loving Apostolic churchgoers were for a while but I can bet you a gallon of ‘muteuros’ they never got this much exposure.

One might say “hey! they are running an honest business let them be”, to this I’ll kindly ask you to excuse my French as I go ballistic…that is in full essence a freightliner’s load of warm, stinky BULLSH*T! The nation smells it too. My commentary about this is not going to be for the faint-hearted or self-righteous, so I suggest you open your mind, pay attention and take your judgement up the high road!

I am a Christian, a proud one at that and yet these new ‘establishments’ and their infamousness has managed to taint the very term, Christian; defined as “a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Christianity, further defined as “the religion based on the person and teachings of Christ”.

Now I am not going to bore you with history you can use your Bible for that. The last I checked Jesus is THE CHRIST and therefore churches exist to mass celebrate that in fellowship, love, peace and happiness the works right?!

So how in the HELL did we end up with churches in Harare turning into Entrepreneurial endeavours? I’m all for the ‘Prosperity gospels’ but Jesus didn’t write those.

I also do not remember the commandment

 “Thou shalt be a broke-ass”   either. So where does that leave us? With one Word that our various Pastors, Bishops and Leaders have either forgotten or tossed aside.

HUMILITY, also known as meekness, modesty, reserve and you have to love the irony in this one mildness, which implies the term moderation. I love that we are encouraged to succeed in life and be prosperous so we can fund the gospel, I also am fully aware, that the Church does not run on prayers alone; that money in offerings and Tithes need and must be collected. I also do not want my Pastor broke, poor or a sorry sight at the brink of poverty because that would distract me and make me wonder how the Lord could provide for me and not him. If my pastor was say obnoxiously rich, a publicly big spender, a bragger and sorts that would be very distracting too. It would either inspire my undying adoration towards him or typical resentment, a clear barrier to my Salvation or Spiritual growth.

However if there was a balance, perhaps a ridiculously wealthy Pastor who spent time harnessing our God given potentials of greatness through God’s Word AND all this with his how-ever-shaped head placed firmly on his shoulders and feet firmly to the ground?! This would be amazing and something along God’s plan for the Church AKA Kingdom of God.  That is precisely what we need, not arrogance nor egotistic behaviour, just Humility.  

Jesus could turn ZINWA water in Chitungwiza into a 1982 Château Haut Brion and yet he chose to ride a donkey, not a mustang, a thoroughbred stallion BUT an Ass, a dirty stinky one. He could have driven a Skyline but he did not he was too humble for any of that. We could get something from there, my well-respected and infamous Pentecostal leaders.

 God put you on this planet so you could serve HIS purpose AKA facilitate our salvation. Not to create your own hype then to surf the publicity tide in your shiny ass ‘no expenses spared’ suit at the very expense of those suffering and gullible. We were NOT placed on this planet to worship a human being whether they are self proclaimed ‘Prophets/ Prophetesses’ or God-ordained!

  What makes me sick to my stomach is the fact that some (not all) these men and women have are selected by God Himself to lead us but instead, they go off the plot. Gallivanting in Bentleys and auctioning their underwear making a mockery of God and everything the Body of Christ stands for.

Selling us dreams of prosperity as they dig deep into pockets to fulfill their own; selling indeed, instead of feeding our Spirits with THE WORD, which is FREE of charge!

Nemi wo ‘mafollowers’ munonyanya! Lapping up every drop, zvimwe muchimboita follow it up in your Bible.

 There is a reason the Lord says in Hosea (NIV) 4 verse 6 “…my people are destroyed from a lack of knowledge”.

That said, if you happen to be a Christian leader; I implore you to seek the Lord’s direction. Start a new ministry based on the Lord’s instruction not your own. When you speak, make certain you are well aware of the impressionability of the Lord’s flock you are leading, note that it is not YOUR flock!

In conclusion, I will let the word speak for its self in Hosea (NIV) 4 as verse 6 continues:

“…⁶because you have rejected my knowledge I also will reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of your God. I will also ignore your children.

⁷The more the priests increased the more they sinned against me; they exchanged their Glory for something disgraceful.

They feed on the sins of my people”

Enough said.

Let it Go!

There’s something nostalgic about meeting someone from your past, it could be an ex-lover, friend now turned enemy/ stranger, (Some Gotye anyone?) or simply a childhood neighbour you knew before you could barely count to ten. Something about that past and present fusion or how dislodged your lives become because of the time apart. Progress, regression, lightning speed and snail like paces. Changes and then like a cruel joke similarilities in experiences of previous, love, loss, slow healing and failure. And yet with a good friend even with as much as 16years of time apart almost half my life (just kidding, I’m not that old…honest!) I met him. My childhood crush, it’s ridiculous to blush at this right but I guess I’m blushing more at the very thought of him reading this (what have I done?).

The past is just alluring, well at least if it’s the good kind, an ex boyfriend perhaps, loose ends and a wedding on the way. (how this is a good thing I’m not quite sure yet)

We have a tendency to hold onto things we know we should be letting go off; a bad habit, an old flame, past mistakes, a grudge. We ball our fists grabbing tight onto things that could have been. What ifs and maybe ‘babies’. What we should be doing instead is something more noble and movie-like, lighting a Chinese lamp or something, letting the ‘then’ of your time be just that; light and feathery instead of heavy and haunting.

Let go of that nonsense that has you second guessing your future ability to conquer, succeed or learn from your past (which is what experience is for). Let that shit go honey, its dead weight and only makes you feel awful, where’s the fun in that?  How? Just stop! Stop obsessing on what could have been, whether you fell off a lucrative career path 10YEARS ago, or were a size 8 and now a 20, deal with your CURRENT. Just when you’re about to think in reverse again, ask yourself this, “Is there anything I can do to change or adjust it RIGHT NOW?” if your answer is ever ‘No’, then in the words of Alexandra Burke it’s time to LET IT GO Go GO, let it ALL GO!!